Celebrating

I'm sitting in my parents' dining room. The girls are down for the night, my dad's watching his program on PBS, and my mom is resting peacefully. Today has been a good day for her. By "good" i just mean that she has kept down the 6 bites of ice cream, 1 cup of soda, and 10 bites of flan that she's eaten. We've tried the "bland" diet and it didn't make a difference--so we shifted to the "comfort food" diet, and now at least she's eating things she likes. She's weaker and weaker every day. She's eating so little, and not keeping most of it down--the mysterious and intermittent nausea is, by far, the worst part of all of this. Her pain is minimal--thank heavens for modern medicine!! She is so strong. She keeps trying to make this as easy on us as possible. Being here with her feels more and more like a privilege every day. I love her so much.


Of all the three weeks in the year to be here, these three weeks have been the best. The weather is amazing, the neighborhood kids are all outdoors, and Provo is in full bloom. We're house-bound most of the day, so having the option of heading outside at all times has been crucial to my childrens' happiness. And mine. And having an abundance of blossoms and flowers to bring in to Grandma has just been icing on this beautiful Spring cake. My mom's tulip garden opens up a new color almost everyday. Since she can't get out to her garden, we bring her garden in to her. And it brightens her day. And ours.


I have so many things i need to write and share about this experience, about my mom, and about last weekend with all but one of us in town. And i will. But tonight is for a different post. So I'll just say THANK YOU to all who have emailed, commented, called, and extended service in SO MANY WAYS! I literally feel like i'm completely surrounded by people who love me and my mom and my family. It's amazing, it's overwhelming, and it's more comforting than you can imagine. Thank you. And sorry if I don't email back. I'm not really good at emailing back in the first place...and when the emails start out with "don't feel like you have to email me back" i've just been running with it :)


Tonight my little mind is full of memories of this very night, five years ago. I was about 5-6 hours into what would be a 26 hour labor with Grace. When we drove to the hospital all of Boston was still in it's winter sleep. The only sign of new life I could find was in my big ole' belly. And although she took her sweet time making her way out, when she finally came I felt like the entire world stopped for those few moments--those moments that are more tender and more real than anything I'd ever experienced. I was feeling a new kind of love. It was awesome.



I'm sure it was the epidural speaking, or the sleep deprivation (which can be seen in above photo) from the twenty non-epidural hours previous --but I remember looking at Reid and, unable to find any other way to express my happiness, saying, "I want to do this a million more times!" (And, if it weren't for the recovery, the pre-epidural labor, the pregnancy, the stretch marks, the weight gain or, oh yeah, the child-raising--I really just might!)


Three days later, when we left the hospital (keep in mind that one of those days was spent entirely in labor...and i'm still not sure why i wasn't sent back home...) the entire city of Boston was in full bloom. Spring had landed, the Charles River was lined with blossoming trees and full of sailboats in action. I remember looking at the sailors and wondering how in the world their life was just going on like normal when there, in the back seat of our little car, was God's greatest miracle--a new baby!! "Grace" seemed like the most fitting name for this gift from Above--that we surely didn't merit, but had still been given.


She was perfect. She was beautiful. She was ours. Everything about her made me love Reid that much more. And tomorrow, when she wakes up, she'll be five. FIVE!!!


To say "where did the time go?" not only seems cliche, but also a bit unfitting. I think that something like "there were soooo many days i never thought that this day would come" might be more appropriate. But which one do I want Grace to read twelve years down the road when I decide to tell her about the internet and computers and this blog? i suppose the truth, right?


Well, the truth is that these five years truly have been the most wonderful five years of my life. And much of this is due to my sweet Grace.


Grace is awesome. She is bright. She is caring. She is stubborn. She is pensive. She is creative. She is bossy. She is imaginative. She is argumentative. She is kind. She is competitive. She is a great big sister. She is so many wonderful and challenging things all wrapped up into the best five-year-old bundle in this whole wide world. And I love her about a billion times more today than I did five years ago.


I'd planned to be back in Denver by her b-day, but it didn't work out that way. So we'll be celebrating here. She hasn't even really complained about it, sweet girl. I made her a nightgown that she got to wear to bed tonight. She loves it--she's been in it since 5:00. We had angle food cake on Saturday with her cousins who were in town for the night, she'll get muffins for breakfast, cupcakes with her new friends here, and homemade mac 'n cheese for dinner. I picked up a few things for her at the thrift store--and even a couple gifts at Target (i know, i'm getting crazy!). Hopefully she'll have a good day. She had a big joint party a couple weeks ago that i might post about someday (or you could read about here) that was more than enough birthday-ing for one year. But I'm just feeling a little guilty about dragging her away from her preschool and friends back home for three straight weeks--so i'm probably going a little overboard... :)



Five years ago tonight, I called my mom to tell her that i was in labor. She was devastated that she wasn't able to be there for the birth of my first child. She was still recovering from chemo, and wasn't yet up for traveling. So she called me. Lots. And it was great. In those first days of being a mom, I felt a hugely increased amount of gratitude towards her as a mom, as my mom. I felt the need to tell her about 20 times a day how awesome I thought she was for doing this SEVEN times!! And I've spent the past five years continually telling her how much her sacrifices and service and love have meant to me.


Grace's birth gave me an awareness of and appreciation for my mom that I had not come to on my own. Given my selfish tendencies, I might never have gotten there. So, of all the things that Grace has taught me and given me over the past five years-- tonight, that's the one i'm most thankful for.

Happy 5th Birthday, Grace!!

Life

My heart is breaking. I haven't wanted to blog about this because it's easier not too. And i have no intentions of writing every thought, feeling, and experience that has occurred in the past several weeks. My heart and hands don't have the energy.

My mom's cancer has returned, in all it's terrible glory, and she is dying. I spent 10 days with her, caring for her, loving her, serving her, sewing by her side, playing piano pieces she taught me, reading her poems, going through photos of her and planning all the things that no one ever wants to plan. And then I came back here, for a week-long reunion with Reid's family. They left yesterday, and for the first time i really had a day to soak in this reality. and i spent the whole day fighting or surrendering to the tears that have been welling up inside of me. In this moment the tears are winning.

My wonderful, amazing, beautiful, brilliant, creative, genuine, loving and talented mom has lost her cancer battle. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 years ago, and fought it and won. These years have been God's greatest gift to me. I've gotten to know my mom better in the past 7 years than I had in the 24 years previous. And i've come to fully appreciate all that she is--as a mother, wife, woman and person.

And I will forever be grateful that she beat cancer the first time around. But now it is beating her, quite literally. In the moments that my mom is comfortable, i find myself having a harder time accepting that I will no longer be able to call her when I'm trying to conquer her peanut brittle recipe, that she will not be here for any more Christmases, and that my sweet girls will have little to no memory of their grandma. But in the moments that she is in pain, which are increasing daily, I feel more ready to let her go. And although the tears streaming down my face right now represent the huge part of me that wants to have my mom around for another twenty years, it's no longer what i want for her. I don't want her to suffer another minute. None of us do. She's so strong. She tries to hide her misery, especially from her kids. She did this when I was there a week ago, and she's doing it now for my sisters, too. But we know she's in pain. My sister walked in on her crying--too dehydrated to actually make tears. But as soon as my mom saw her she put on her strong face. She doesn't want this to be any harder on us than it has to be. That's how she lived her life--doing everything she could to make our lives better.

My sweet dad loves my mom more than any man has ever loved a woman. I truly believe that. He respects, adores and admires everything about her, and in every way. They have had a wonderful relationship, raised a wonderful family, and lived a full life together. He is heart-broken. But he is so strong, too. I love my parents for the relationship they had, and what it's shown me about marriage and love, service, compromise, patience and friendship.

All but one of my siblings have had a chance to get to UT and see my mom. My Indiana-bound sister with MS has been able to Skype. There is so much good happening around us, so much that IS falling into place, that it's impossible to ignore God's hand in our lives, His grace and His love.

Every prayer that has been said on our behalf has been felt. I really do know and feel that people are praying for my family. When I'm not sobbing, i feel so much peace. and sometimes even when I am sobbing i feel peace. And that truly is a blessing. The tears are a natural part of this--a part that would happen no matter what. But the peace we feel is a gift. I'm grateful for that gift right now. I'm grateful for my faith--my belief that better things await my mom. I'm grateful for my siblings and all the care that they've provided for my mom. And most of all, i'm grateful for my mom. I will miss her more than I'm prepared to accept. But i'm so glad I have 6 siblings going through this with me, and a wonderful dad who comforts me when I should be the one comforting him.

The next few days and weeks will be hard, and sad--full of tears and sorrow and peace. I don't imagine i'll be blogging any time soon about the upcoming birthday party of my soon-to-be 5 year old, the wonderful 7-day reunion that we just hosted here--with ALL of Reid's siblings and parents, the raised-bed garden that my father-in-law just built me(!!), the painting and crafting and sewing and Easter-ing, shower-throwing, or how wonderful my girls were for 10 whole days in UT. This month has been full of so many wonderful moments that all deserve to be written down, in full detail...and maybe someday they will be. But not today.

Abby grew up over night...

literally. over night. It all happened faster than i'd planned, but it worked out perfectly.

The day after we got back from CA we were getting her ready for bed and she couldn't find her binki. (i know, right! who lets their 3 year old have a binki?!?! not me. never!! And I certainly would never let my 3 year old run to her crib, grab her binki, and run to her little sister's crib, climb in, and play/read books/hang out just to buy myself enough time to take a shower!!)

And so I told her that she was a big girl and she didn't need it anymore. WHAT WAS I SAYING!?!??! I don't know who possessed my body briefly, but i couldn't take it back!! And I told her that in the morning we would get her some panties and she'd be a big girl!

That night was kind of rough for her. she woke up really weepy a few times. i felt awful. But she made it.

And that next morning (quite serendipitously, i might add) she had her 3 year well-appt with her doctor. Knowing Abby like I do, I thought that hearing the words "you really ARE a big girl" from the Dr. would leave a lasting impression. And boy was I right. The doctor measured her height and weight and confirmed, several times during the visit, that Abby was a big girl now. She was so cute during the whole appointment, and LOVED hearing about how big she was. And she was so brave with her vaccine, too. I really was, in every way, so proud of her!

So, we left the dr.'s office and ran next-door to Target (which is, by the way, the best part of Kaiser Permanente...its being next to a Supertarget) and she got to pick out her big-girl undies. She came home, put them on, and just like that--she was a big girl!!! She's done great with potty-training. She'd been ready for months, as I've mentioned. So it wasn't that hard. She did struggle a bit with the concept that MOM needs to be involved in the process. She was, if possible, too independent the first few days...which led to a few accidents. But, it's been 14 days now without an accident, and she's so good at going all by herself (and then hollering for me to come wipe when she's done).

And she has LOVED, from the moment she got her Tinkerbell undies, to tell people "I'm a big girl now cause i went to the dr.'s office and they told me I'm big big big and I go peepee on the potty!!!!" (most of which is, by the way, unintelligible and OH so cute!! i should really get it on video!!)

She's done great without her binki, too...but the first few days, every once in a while, she'd say "mom, i don't want to be a big girl anymore" and I'd look, and sure enough she'd spotted one of Eliza's binkis (which usually was just Abby's binki that we'd "lost") and was missing her 3-year long relationship with it. can't really blame her.

To top off all of this insta growing-up, she got her very own toddler bed a few days ago. She's only been in a crib this long because I'm lazy and didn't want to search through all of craigslist for the perfect toddler bed! So, when I got an email from a local listserve for a toddler bed just minutes from my house, i jumped on it (the offer, not the bed)!

All three of the girls think this bed is the coolest thing in the world. They played on it for 3 hours straight when i brought it inside. Grace even slept on it the second night...and Abby was happy to sleep in Grace's bunk bed. They've kind of agreed that they'll rotate between the two beds for a while. They're cute. This big move of Abby's has brought with it Eliza's graduation from a pack 'n play to a crib. Big changes all around.

Valentine's Day

I've never really cared much about Valentine's Day. Reid and I don't usually give gifts, go out or do much to set that day apart. We're actually pretty lame. But Grace and Abby practically made us enjoy it this year. They were so excited that they got to make gifts for their friends, it was truly impossible not to get a little bit into the whole thing this year :)

I ran a few gift ideas by Grace, but when i told her about melting small crayons into a heart shaped tin, she yelled in delight, "does that mean that when they use it to draw on paper it will look like a rainbow???" She was sold on it immediately. And, as with most things, if Grace is on board, Abby is pleased-as-punch to follow.

And, since we didn't have time to do anything for Grace's teacher at Christmastime, we made her this little bouquet of chocolate-dipped strawberries....isn't it cute?? I was obviously pretty pleased with it...since i took the time to bust out the camera :) just don't look closely...there's strawberry juice dripping all over the ribbon

And since the girls got me so excited about the whole holiday, i decided that maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if i got reid a gift....a gift from his daughters...that I wouldn't let him take to his office 'cause i love it so much :) The girls stuck their fisted-hands in red paint and made these little hearts (thanks, Isa for the idea!!)

Disneyland- Days 6 and 7

I'm sure i'm not the only one wanting to be done with me blogging about our drawn-out Disney trip. If I were a scrapbooker, there's no way I'd have had a 135 page album dedicated to one trip....so I'm not sure why I've done the equivalent on my blog...but this is the last Disney post...I promise.

On Monday we drove back up to Disneyland for one last day of fun. And it DID start out fun. Abby and I went on our favorite little Toon Town roller coaster (the only one she was tall enough for), Grace and Eliza went on Small World--were all happy as could be.

And then, while Reid took Abby back to go on that roller coaster again, I took Grace and Eliza to the bathroom that was just twenty feet away. And the worst experience of the whole trip happened, almost literally in the blink of an eye. That whole experience with the sketchy dr. was a little crazy, but it wasn't upsetting, it didn't ruin the day or cause me to lose sleep. It didn't play back in my mind's eye over and over like this did.

And I don't want to forget the details. I want Eliza to know that I truly believe that her ability to walk is a miracle. So I made Reid be my puppeteer and used our most flexible doll so that you can see what I saw and why it affected me so much. So, just use your imagination, and bear with me here :)

The whole crowd around me gasped. It was a really disturbing sight to see. I picked her right up. I probably shouldn't have, but i wasn't thinking. I was most definitely in shock. People around me could sense my panic and were trying to comfort me and make sure Eliza was okay. One lady called the nurse's station. Another lady just kept telling me to comfort her. A little girl came up to me and was worried about the bump on Eliza's head and her bleeding pinky finger. I don't know what i said, but in my head it was something like "hey, kid, i'm not too worried about a goose egg and a scratch--it's her NECK that has me concerned!"

Finally I set her down on the ground (remember, i was in shock), cause she was so limp in my arms (which is kinda how she is when she's upset) so i really couldn't tell if she could move or not. Once on the ground, she moved her legs and arms enough that I felt reassured that hadn't broken her neck. People just kept telling me that "babies are made out of rubber," which I now know and believe.

Even so, I took her into the nurses station. They checked her out and agreed that she was fine. She got this cute little Minnie Mouse First Aid sticker that is one of the only mementos we've kept from the trip, since it kinda sums up her experience--Minnie and medics.

She was pretty exhausted to start with, so the rest of the day she kinda looked like this:

you can see the bruise on her forehead and the scratch on her cheek

And when she was in the stroller she buried her face like this (i'm guessing the light was bugging her?):

I wish I could have just let this go and enjoyed the rest of the day, but I couldn't. I cried, on and off, for the rest of our day at Disneyland. But I just kept playing it over and over, and literally thanking God that she was okay. And then crying some more.

So, after a few more ride, one last visit with the princesses, and the obligatory photo by the flowers, we took off.

Reid had the brilliant idea of eating at In 'n Out Burger. I'm not a fast-food person, by any means, but even I can appreciate the experience that this place is--especially when in So. Cal. (Apparently they just built a couple locations in UT, but it's just not the same, right? unless you really do just love their food?)

So, we took our burgers, fries and shakes and went to watch the sunset at this beautiful little beach. This was exactly what I needed--to meditate a bit, relax, and be with the people who mean the most to me. The girls loved playing "chicken" with the waves. I loved watching them feel the sand on their feet. And we all watched the sun fall below the horizon--it was beautiful.

We packed up the next morning, said goodbye to our dears friends, and made one last little stop in Rancho Cucamonga, to see a mentor and good friend of mine, Lexine Hadfield. She and her husband were assigned to oversee all the missionaries in the area of Chile that I was in--10 years ago!! I was so homesick during my time there, way more so than I'd ever anticipated. But whenever Lexine would see me she'd give me a HUGE hug that would just take away all the sadness I was feeling. She is such a warm and loving person.

Her husband unexpectedly passed away almost two years ago. In fact, we flew down there to see her soon after, but she was called away last minute. So, I was really, really glad that it worked out to see her this time. We visited her during her lunch break, and sure enough, as soon as she saw me, she gave me the huge bear-hug that I remember so well. And she was so sweet with the girls. It took no time for them to warm up to her. As she showed us her little shop, she had Grace in one hand, and Abby in the other, and I had this moment where I realized that even they could feel how much love this woman has in her. Through tears I told her this, and we hugged and cried.

I love you, hermana!!

We rushed from her place to the airport, and there, as we were about to board the plane, my sweet Abby decided to empty her bowels into her diaper. I rushed her to the changing table in the bathroom, and, while changing her diaper, was thinking "my word, child, you are too old for this." Just then, another mom with a 3 year old daughter brought her in to change her diaper and said, out loud, "honey, you are too old for this."

I'd been putting potty-training off for months, but I knew, in that moment, that with Disneyland behind us, it was time for our next family adventure...which will just have to wait for another post :)

And, may i just say that in spite of the crazy moments of this trip, that this was one of my favorite vacations ever.

Disneyland-Day 4 and 5

As much as I hate to admit it, my favorite part about Disneyland was probably not Disneyland. I think that if I'd been there as a kid it might have more of that nostalgic tinge that others feel. But, for me, it was only as awesome as my kids thought it was. Which happened to be pretty awesome. But I can't really imagine myself ever going there without kids. And as far as amusement parks go, it's just so-so. But California Adventure, on the other hand, was ahhhhhhhhhhhh-some. And that is where we spent 100% of Day 4. There was rain in the forecast, so we were all geared up for it--but it was dry the whole day!! (until about 4:30, it rained for 8 minutes)

Highlights of the day include Monsters, Inc (4x, the girls loved it, loved it, loved it), all the rides at Bug's Life (including the little 3D show--awesome!), the Ferris wheel, Soarin' California, and my personal favorite--the Screamer. There is nothing in the world quite like going from zero to 60 in less than one second (i'm making up those numbers, but they can't be far off!)--i wish i'd had the stomach to go on that ride over and over--it's my favorite roller coaster ever!

We also saw the Aladdin show. The girls loved it. And the guy who played "Genie" was hilarious. I'm really glad people recommended this show--we probably wouldn't have gone otherwise

And, lucky for the little ladies, Cinderella was just hanging around for pictures right outside.

My kids LOVED having little playmates to be with the whole time. Grace and Kaitlyn hit it off right from the start. I'm guessing that they heard "did you guys know that when you were just little you used to play together all the time?" about a million times.

It was such fun day. It was so nice to be dry. And I just kept being amazed at how NOT tired we were. The girls walked almost the whole day, every day. I'd given them each three little "passes" to ride in the stroller because i was sure they were going to fight over it...but they actually didn't! They didn't even use all their passes :) But by 5pm that day the kids were hungry again, our snack lunches/apples/snacks were gone...so we headed to the Mission Tortilla Factory that's right there by Bug's Life. They give out the most delicious, fresh corn tortillas--about a billion times better than the ones you get in the store! And then we walked over to the Boudin Sourdough factory where the lady saw our famished children and gave them two MickyMouse sourdough loaves. Who knew there was free food to be had there?? leave it to me to find it...

And although Eliza didn't really care much about what we were doing most of the time, she did get REALLY excited every time we passed by the Ferris Wheel (in the background of this picture). She's also, apparently, obsessed with Mickey Mouse.

That evening my brother, Kevin, came over for a visit. He lives in L.A. now. Reid and I were spoiled for 3 years having him live near us in Boston. Grace knew him really well the first 14 months of her life. It was sad for me when, by her 2nd birthday, she'd already forgotten him. But she's finally to the point again where she completely knows him and took no time warming up to him. Both of the big girls were soooo excited to see him, it was very sweet. I think they just thought it was the awesomest thing to see an uncle right there at their hotel!

Our friends came over again (this night included the Gardners) and we all stayed up way too late, laughing, telling stories, having push-up contests and generally enjoying our time together. Our time with them went by too fast. These are people that I wish lived closer to us. (lucky for us, the Gardners actually go!!) I tried to convince them of all the reasons why Denver is the best place to live in all of the U.S. of A. Only time shall tell how good of a sales woman I am!!

Day 5 was the day we checked out of our hotel, picked up our rental car, attempted to go to church, and then drove down to San Diego to spend 2 nights with Anne and Rob-- good friends from our first year in Boston. Anne and Rob are two people that we could talk to for 2 weeks straight and never run out of good conversation. They've got something to say about every topic. And they've got stories. And it was so good to spend time with them! Back in November, when we bought our plane tickets, we debated whether or not we should come home on Sunday or stay through Tues. I'm soooooooooo so so glad we stayed longer--we needed some good game-playin', story-tellin', Rob and Anne time!!

Of course, we have no pictures with them. In fact, we were talking about photos with them, and Anne confessed that she has taken very few pictures of her kids in the past 2 years. She told us that her dad, who used to take tons of pictures of all his kids, decided one day he was done. He said "i'm tired of looking at my children through a lens."

Can I just say "amen" to that? I bet that the best moments of this vacation were not captured on film....because i was busy enjoying the moment...but now i can't remember the moment...because it wasn't captured on film. But there's still something to be said for enjoying the moment, even if it's forgotten years down the road, right?

Thank you, Anne and Rob, for putting up with us for 2 days!!

Disneyland-Day 3

Day 3 it rained. All. Day. Long. It wasn't too bad at first, since we started out dry. In fact, it was awesome cause there were no lines and no people. I don't really mind crowds at zoos and museums...but i have a thing with waiting in line.... So, it worked out really well that we went in February. (my word, it sounds like Ariel wasn't the only princess my girls were with!!)


We started out the day in Tomorrowland, since the Alexanders had joined us and it's a great place for their boys. After going on the Snow White ride and the Toon Town roller coaster, etc, i'd pretty much just figured that all rides at Disneyland were "experiences" rather than rides. So i thought nothing of it when everyone suggested we go on Space Mountain.

Reid took Abby, I took Grace. Since Abby is 39" tall (btw, 40 inches is the cut off for lots of rides...just an FYI when planning your next Disney trip...i'd have packed a different pair of shoes for her had i known:) Reid had to exit with her. So it was just me and Grace.

Have I mentioned that Grace hated the Toon Town roller coaster? Have I mentioned that she isn't exactly, um, how do you say....a risk-taker? yeah, i obviously had no idea what we were in for, or i never would have taken her. She hated every single second of the ride. She just kept saying that she wanted off and that she wished she was with Abby. If there was ever any chance of getting her to go on ANY other roller coaster-esque rides at Disneyland, it was ruined right then. I felt awful. She didn't trust us the rest of the day. To this day, she wants to write a letter to "the man that built that ride and tell him that he shouldn't have built it."



Sooooooo, we stuck with pretty basic rides the rest of the day---Nemo's submarine, the race cars, Pirates of the Caribbean (which actually freaked Grace and Abby out, too...), the Haunted House (which the girls actually loved!), Swiss Family Robinson/Tarzan, and others i forgot...oh, and the lamest show in the world--The Tiki Room. My guess is that on sunny days that show is all but unattended. But on this wet day, it was the most popular show ever. Lame puppet birds singing weird songs and dancing on their perches?? what is the story behind this?? it was bizarre. But it was warm and dry and a perfect resting place for our wet selves.



I went on Splash Mountain with the two other guys in our group. I guess i figured the difference between wet and soaking wet wouldn't be that great--true for my clothes, not for my shoes. My feet hated me after that. But i couldn't complain--Ryan, who was in the front, was literally soaked through. The poor guy was wringing out his coat when he got off.

Eliza spent most of the day in the stroller. She was just starting to feel better, which worked out well, since i didn't love the idea of her getting out and getting wet. (BTW--Our stroller's rain cover was amazing, and I'm just puttin' it out there right now for anyone in the Denver area--if you EVER need a double stroller and THINK you might face rain ANYWHERE, please feel free to borrow ours. It was the only dry thing in the whole park!)

The girls wanted to see the Princesses again. Reid and I were sure they'd be totally disappointed that it was the exact same three they'd seen the day before. But honestly? they couldn't have cared less. The girls had a great time.

We headed home around 5, ordered pizza, dried off and put the girls to bed by 7 and had our friends over for some serious catching up.

There are few things in the world I enjoy as much as visiting with people I know and love.