A little rambling

I just asked Reid to read this post and make sure there was nothing offensive or inaccurate.  All he had to say was  "it's a little rambly."  And since i'm not one to worry about a little rambling, i'm just gonna click Publish Post now.

No, I haven't had my baby yet.  And yes....

...I'm ready!!!

Well, sort of.  The other night i had about 3 hours of contractions that I thought were going to go somewhere...and i realized how many things i didn't have ready!  So, at 1am I finished packing our hospital bag, got some clothes, pj's, and toothbrushes in a bag for the girls, and panicked about the fact that i'm STILL not ready to have a boy.

It's no small secret that I'm freaked out about the gender of this baby.  Boys scare me.  Everyone who's in the i-have-a-son-and-don't-know-what-i'd-do-without-him club tries to reassure me that i'll be fine, and that boys are the best, way easier than girls, yada yada yada.  And i do believe them...sort of.  But for now, i'm still freaking out.

I'm also freaking out because I remember labor with Eliza. With a little "hypnobirthing" i managed the pain well for the first 7 centimeters-- but it's the last 2.5 that are feeling more and more familiar with each contraction that i have (which averages about 10-20/day).  And although I managed to get my beloved epidural at the very end of labor with her....i'd really prefer it this time before the hardest part of labor.  But my hospital is still 35 minutes away--with no traffic.  And i still haven't convinced my OB to give me a port for my epidural.  So, that's still on my mind some...

I've said all along that I really don't want to be induced.  I went through that with my first--and those contractions were awful.  But one of my close friends--who was due tomorrow--decided to get induced yesterday.  And now she's holding her baby in her arms, and she's no longer pregnant!   I'm experiencing some serious jealousy!!!  I'm starting to reconsider my "will no be induced" theory...but I've still got a few more days before i'm 40 weeks...

I've told my Dr.'s that i don't want to be checked this pregnancy. With the others (especially Eliza) i was so sure everytime they checked that they were going to tell me that i was at a 2, or a 3.  or any number above 0.  But such was never the case.  So, i told them that i don't wanna hear it this go-around.  It's not like it's fun having them check, and it's certainly not fun hearing that all the contractions i have all day are doing NOTHING to my cervix.  So, that's that.

It's kinda weird being knowing that this is the last time I'll be pregnant (assuming we don't have any 'surprises' in our future!).  It makes me feel like I can't complain as much as I want to.  I mean, i'll never have a baby moving inside of me again.  And although most the time he just makes me pee my pants a little--i do love feeling and seeing his kicks, and trying to figure out which limbs are which.  And although my back has hurt more this go-round than any of the others, and my legs are swelling, and my feet are sore and my energy is gone by about noon each day--i feel like there's a small part of me that's actually holding on to this pregnancy.  I guess it's just like any stage of life--it's kinda weird knowing i'm leaving this baby-makin' stage.  Pretty soon I'm going to be the one at the grocery store looking at the young mom with small kids saying "oh, i remember that stage well--it may not feel like it now, but sooner than you think they'll be too big for that cart!"

I've loved sharing his kicks and punches with my girls.  Grace especially loves to feel Baby Brother kick.  Abby doesn't have quite as much patience for it, but she's felt a handful of big kicks.  Eliza.....well, Eliza just found out last month that Baby Brother is a boy.....so i'm not so sure exactly what she thinks about any of this :)  (seriously, i asked her if Baby Brother was a boy or a girl, and she was very certain he was a she.  I guess the term "brother" didn't really have any context for her...)  And, unlike many moms-to-be--i don't mind when people (barring total strangers, i suppose) touch my belly.  For the 4th and final time of my life--it's rock hard. It's solid.  It's not marshmallowy.  It ain't ever gonna be this firm again, folks.  So touch away.

One of the things that has me most nervous about this little guy's arrival is the fact that we still don't have a name for him.  And we're not exactly close, either.  My dear husband, who is named after his two grandpa's, thinks that choosing a family name is the only way to go.  (this apparently only applies to boys, since it never came up ONCE when we were naming our girls....although Eliza is named after her great-great grandmas...)  But the problem is--I don't really like a lot of the family names we have to choose from.   I mean, Victor and Claude and Harry and Peter were and are such great people.  But could I really name our baby any of those?  and Reid's dad's name is....well, it's Reid's dad's name! I don't see the need for two people in the family with the exact same name!  If I dare suggest names that aren't on the family tree, i pretty much get shut down immediately.  We've made no progress.  We don't even really have a list.  i have no idea what we'll name this little guy.

Assuming he really is a little guy.  I've had 4-5 dreams about him--and he's always a she in those dreams!  Our ultrasound was very clear, so I don't know why i still question this.  Maybe it's because my list of girl names is about a mile long...

I've been "nesting" a bit lately, I suppose.  Since Jr. is going to be sleeping in our closet for a while (until he gets to share the other bedroom with his sisters??) there hasn't been much nursery prep to do.  So, with MUCH help from my friend Gina, i've been redoing our front room, and now our guest room.  I'll post pictures soon.  She and her sister-in-law just helped me paint an entire bedroom set, which reminded me of 2.5 years ago when i was painting my kitchen ceiling during early labor with Eliza.  What is it with me and painting things with a big ole' belly??

It's gonna be hard not being able to call my mom as soon as the baby is born.  I'm trying to prepare for that.  The whole month of May was a hard month--with her birthday, Mother's Day, the 1-year anniversary of her death, and Memorial day.  She and this little guy have been on my mind so much.  I would love to have a better understanding of the potential interactions they've had over the past year.  Has his soul met my mom's?  Did she try to prep him for being raised in a house with so many little moms around him?  Or has my mom been my angel?  taking care of me as I carry this little guy?  I don't have any answers, but I can't help but think that the reason their both on my mind soooo much of the time is because of some unique, special and sacred connection between us three--something i certainly don't, and probably can't understand.  And although I know I'm going to feel sorrow when the time comes to start calling family and telling them about his birth, I just keep thinking that I know my mom.  And I know that if she has ANY say in things--she'll be there.  She wouldn't miss this birth for the world.