Life

My heart is breaking. I haven't wanted to blog about this because it's easier not too. And i have no intentions of writing every thought, feeling, and experience that has occurred in the past several weeks. My heart and hands don't have the energy.

My mom's cancer has returned, in all it's terrible glory, and she is dying. I spent 10 days with her, caring for her, loving her, serving her, sewing by her side, playing piano pieces she taught me, reading her poems, going through photos of her and planning all the things that no one ever wants to plan. And then I came back here, for a week-long reunion with Reid's family. They left yesterday, and for the first time i really had a day to soak in this reality. and i spent the whole day fighting or surrendering to the tears that have been welling up inside of me. In this moment the tears are winning.

My wonderful, amazing, beautiful, brilliant, creative, genuine, loving and talented mom has lost her cancer battle. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 years ago, and fought it and won. These years have been God's greatest gift to me. I've gotten to know my mom better in the past 7 years than I had in the 24 years previous. And i've come to fully appreciate all that she is--as a mother, wife, woman and person.

And I will forever be grateful that she beat cancer the first time around. But now it is beating her, quite literally. In the moments that my mom is comfortable, i find myself having a harder time accepting that I will no longer be able to call her when I'm trying to conquer her peanut brittle recipe, that she will not be here for any more Christmases, and that my sweet girls will have little to no memory of their grandma. But in the moments that she is in pain, which are increasing daily, I feel more ready to let her go. And although the tears streaming down my face right now represent the huge part of me that wants to have my mom around for another twenty years, it's no longer what i want for her. I don't want her to suffer another minute. None of us do. She's so strong. She tries to hide her misery, especially from her kids. She did this when I was there a week ago, and she's doing it now for my sisters, too. But we know she's in pain. My sister walked in on her crying--too dehydrated to actually make tears. But as soon as my mom saw her she put on her strong face. She doesn't want this to be any harder on us than it has to be. That's how she lived her life--doing everything she could to make our lives better.

My sweet dad loves my mom more than any man has ever loved a woman. I truly believe that. He respects, adores and admires everything about her, and in every way. They have had a wonderful relationship, raised a wonderful family, and lived a full life together. He is heart-broken. But he is so strong, too. I love my parents for the relationship they had, and what it's shown me about marriage and love, service, compromise, patience and friendship.

All but one of my siblings have had a chance to get to UT and see my mom. My Indiana-bound sister with MS has been able to Skype. There is so much good happening around us, so much that IS falling into place, that it's impossible to ignore God's hand in our lives, His grace and His love.

Every prayer that has been said on our behalf has been felt. I really do know and feel that people are praying for my family. When I'm not sobbing, i feel so much peace. and sometimes even when I am sobbing i feel peace. And that truly is a blessing. The tears are a natural part of this--a part that would happen no matter what. But the peace we feel is a gift. I'm grateful for that gift right now. I'm grateful for my faith--my belief that better things await my mom. I'm grateful for my siblings and all the care that they've provided for my mom. And most of all, i'm grateful for my mom. I will miss her more than I'm prepared to accept. But i'm so glad I have 6 siblings going through this with me, and a wonderful dad who comforts me when I should be the one comforting him.

The next few days and weeks will be hard, and sad--full of tears and sorrow and peace. I don't imagine i'll be blogging any time soon about the upcoming birthday party of my soon-to-be 5 year old, the wonderful 7-day reunion that we just hosted here--with ALL of Reid's siblings and parents, the raised-bed garden that my father-in-law just built me(!!), the painting and crafting and sewing and Easter-ing, shower-throwing, or how wonderful my girls were for 10 whole days in UT. This month has been full of so many wonderful moments that all deserve to be written down, in full detail...and maybe someday they will be. But not today.